In the Silence

Nine months... It is nine months since I left Japan. Nine months ago, I was so full of emotions. I wanted to know that what I was doing was right, but I was afraid to let go. If I had a picture to capture my feelings it would be one of me clinging to a branch while dangling over a deep chasm. The chasm would be so deep, I would not be able to see the bottom. What is below? Will I crash on the rocks? Will I be swept away by the sea? I want to let go, but I am scared. I don't want to let go because I am scared. My hands would be sweating, finger by finger my grasp would be slipping. Finally, my grip would falter........down, down, down. It would get dark. It would get lonely. I would cry to God, "Oh Father, what have I done? What have YOU done? Where are you? I was doing this for you. You were supposed to save me but you deserted me." As I continue to fall, all the sounds from before would become faint. It would become silent. Then and only then, in the silence would I hear Him....

Leaving Japan was the most traumatic decision I have ever had to make. For any of you who have followed this blog from the beginning, you know that I have always felt called to Japan. Almost from as early as I can remember, that is where I have felt led. When the doors opened up in 2008, I was more than willing to go. I was ready to go change the world! Ahh...but how naive I was. I hadn't considered the culture shock. I hadn't considered the language barrier. I hadn't considered the incomprehensible bus system or the eyeball fish! But, what were these? Just part of the adventure! Life was hard -- oh very hard. But, I loved it. I was having the proverbial "time of my life." I got to meet so many amazing people. I got to experience so many wonderful things and visit incredible places. I felt very blessed....

But, I also started noticing something. Somewhere between the language studies, job obligations, and once-in-a-lifetime excursions, I was losing my focus. I was on a four-year vacation and eager to seize every moment and every opportunity. When you move to a new country you become a child. You have to learn the language, the life, the culture... I was so used to being in this child-like mode and accepting that which was around me that I wasn't questioning things like I should. This was taking a toll on me physically, emotionally, and mentally but most importantly it was effecting me spiritually. If I was to be ministering for Christ in Japan, my perspective was going to have to drastically change. After much prayer, I felt God telling me to leave. It was time for me to return to the states and reevaluate my life.

Initially the decision wasn't too bad -- I thought I would return to graduate school. I would focus on my Japanese language and teaching skills and eventually return. But after a series of events, including many closed doors, it was obvious that this wasn't God's plan. When August 6, 2012, my date of departure arrived, I had no direction. My plan was gone. Now, I was going to have to fully rely on God's. All I knew was that I had a one-way plane ticket to Chicago and a kind sister who would let me stay with her for as long as I needed.

I had the privilege to spend my last night in Hamamatsu with my LOLs. During the course of the evening, one of them brought out her wedding album. Around forty years before, she had had an arranged marriage and less than one month later moved to Canada for her husband's job. As she recounted the challenges and experiences that she had faced living in a foreign country, she could only praise God for his blessings. She could see how he had used the difficulties of the past to prepare her for greater things in the future. God had worked mightily in her life and as a result of that, I had been privileged to be a recipient of the overflowing blessings. How I was humbled. Would I one day be able to look back on my own life and see how my four years in Japan had really changed me? Would I be able to see the struggles as blessings? Would I, too, be able to use the lessons that I had learned as a way to minister to others? Could I see my experiences in Japan not as the end of God's plan but as the beginning?

In the following months, I really struggled. I felt like I had failed God. After all, what had I done in Japan other than stumble through the language, get lost on buses, and take amazing trips? And on top of that, how was I to serve Him in the US where life is way too easy? Aren't we supposed to sacrifice things to follow Him? Isn't giving up one's family, one's language, and one's comfort zone a huge enough sacrifice? To come back to it all seemed wimpy....

When all of the distractions of Japan -- survival, work, language, friends, travel -- were gone, my life became deafening silent. But when I started to look up instead of over the Pacific, I realized that I had landed in His stream of mercy. God began to reveal himself to me in ways I had never known because I had been too distracted to see Him. And, He helped me realize that he was not calling me to be an American just like he wasn't calling me to be Japanese. Instead he was calling me to be holy. My identity was not to be in my culture but to be in my Christ.

I initially embarked on this adventure because I wanted to change Japan. I had difficulty leaving because I was afraid the country wouldn't change if wasn't there to help it. Oh, how prideful I was! I can't do anything. I am nobody. I can't change hearts -- only God can do that. My pride became my stumbling block. God doesn't need us to accomplish his perfect plan -- He can accomplish it anyway He wants. If we don't follow his calling, we can definitely step out of His plan but no matter how horribly we mess up, his perfect plan can't be thwarted. This is grace. God also uses us -- finite, imperfect us -- to teach us. This is love. Oh what perfect love that He would want to instruct us and reveal Himself to us! If the purpose of my going to Japan was only to return so that I could fall in love with my Heavenly Father, then how infinitely blessed I am! I have been humbled to realize that the experiences I had in Japan were not for me to change the world but for Him to change me....

While this is where my four years of blogging ends, it is not where my story ends. God has also taught me that He didn't make a mistake when he gave me a heart for the Japanese. Everyday, I am reminded of this fact as I go to my new job at the Consulate General of Japan at Chicago. I have much for which to be grateful and much more to learn.

My dear child, I have a purpose for your life. I want to be your first love. If you walk with me, I will guide you. For its only when you walk with me can you be made perfect. I will love you even when you don't love me. I will be faithful even when you aren't. Sometimes I will lead you through difficult times but this is only to make you stronger and to cling to me harder. Sometimes you will stray from me but I will always forgive you. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness. You don't need to question me or my faithfulness, because I will forever be faithful. But when you do, I will reveal myself. I will never leave you, I love you too much. Trust me, dear child. I have a plan for your life just as I have a plan for Japan. It is not the plan that you think, but it is far greater than you could ever hope or imagine.

May God forever and ever be glorified!

By Faith

Not too long ago, during a fabulously fun road trip, we began to talk about our favorite Bible verses. It was so interesting to hear what each person said -- how different verses can really speak to individuals in encouraging ways. When it was my turn, I realized that I, in fact, don't have a favorite verse but instead a favorite chapter -- Hebrews 11. For the past four years, these 40 verses have really spoken to me.

When I first read them, it was a fast read -- by faith so-and-so did such-and-such.  But, have you ever spent time to think about what each person did? Take Noah for example, "By faith Noah...built an ark" (verses 7) He built an ark! In front of an unbelieving generation. Can you imagine how he must have answered to the question, "Hey, Noah, what are you doin'?" Just think about that answer -- "I'm building an ark! Yeah, I don't really know what an ark is either, but God called me to build one because its going to rain. What is rain you ask? I don't know..."

Before the Flood, it had never rained. And an ark, I'm guessing, those weren't too popular either. And to believe that God was going to eventually bring all the animals to him... That must have really taken a lot of faith on Noah's part. Of course we know the end of the story, so it is easy to say "Noah's life wasn't that hard. God worked it all out in the end!" But, what about all of the middle parts not included in the Bible. Noah was human too. I'm sure he had doubts, fears, questions. and frustrations, just like I do -- just like we all do. But, by faith he and so many others moved forward, stepping into the unknown, doing that which he was called to, seeking God's will for his life. And because of faith, he was blessed.

So why am I rambling on about faith? I guess it is because its my last night here in Japan. These past four years haven't been easy, in fact, they have been some of the most difficult, amazing, frustrating, incredible, challenging, life-changing, educational, sensational, stressful, adventuresome years of my life! My images of how I thought things would work out and how they actually did are about as different as night and day. But, I have come to realize that if these four years had gone exactly as I had planned or anticipated, I would have learned nothing -- and what a waste that would have been!

In this past month, I have had so many wonderful but also incredibly challenging experiences. God has really shown me how blessed I have been to be here. But, when I see how blessed I have been, it makes leaving oooooh so much harder. These past few weeks have been some of the most physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally taxing days of my life. I have so many thoughts, flying around in my head, I can't process them all. I have cried so much, I am not sure that I can shed another tear. I am emotionally numb. The reality that tomorrow I am leaving my beloved Japan, maybe never to return, hasn't fully sunk in...

I am sorry for my lack of blogging recently.  Between my busyness, lack of internet, and emotional roller coasters, I haven't been able too.  But, I have decided that it is my goal to someday share some of these wonderful blessings and incredible lessons with you, my readers.  I hope that you too can be blessed.  However, right now, I can't get them out... I am too tired to think or process anything. Please pray for me -- for peace, for strength, for sleep, for faith.

Tomorrow, I step back onto a plane to the place that I once called home. However, in many ways, it seems so unfamiliar, mysterious, and scary. Kind of like Japan did four years ago. I have no idea what I will be doing there, but I do know that is exactly where God is now calling me. God lead me here, and He will continue to lead me and with that I must cling to the final verse "These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." If God has a perfect plan for my life, then that is where I want to be. Even if it means stepping back onto a plane headed to the unknown. May the new adventures begin!

Operation Kankei (関係：relationship, connection)

I had my last Japanese class this week. We spent the first 20 minutes racing through the last few exercises in my textbook. "You might not remember everything," my teacher said, "but at least you are officially done!" The rest of the time we worked on goodbye speeches. I have so many to give these next few weeks. I want each one to be meaningful, but, oh, how I hate goodbyes!!

After class, we had tea time. We always have tea time -- we have done it every Tuesday night for the past three years. Mrs. Takeyama faithfully prepares us a dessert. Sometimes it's a homemade goodie. Sometimes, it's an exciting Japanese sweet. Sometimes it's a special surprise -- like the time I mentioned that my favorite food was ice cream... This evening was one of those special surprise nights. The surprise was once again ice cream. But, it wasn't just ice cream -- it was cake and ice cream. But it wasn't just cake -- it was homemade chocolate cake in the shape of a heart. As I stared at my plate, four years of memories flooded back to the day of Operation Keki (click to watch the video)

Yes, it has been almost four years since I made that video. I was so lonely that day. I wanted something to do and somebody to do it with. But, I had no friends in Japan and since I also had no Internet at the time, I couldn't connect with my friends in the States. I felt completely isolated. How I wanted to share an experience with someone. How I wanted to make memories. I wanted to build relationships. But I couldn't and I was depressed. After several very lonely days of feeling sorry for myself, I realized I needed to get out of my slump. I realized that the way I handled my experiences in Japan was my choice. I could just sit around and feel sorry for myself or I could try to find the beauty in even the smallest things.

So, I there I was, feeling like a fool, making a video and hoping that when I finally did get Internet, I could at least bring a smile to the faces of the people back home. I wanted to show them that I could survive in Japan -- that I was doing alright! When I finally was able to post the video, I was so overwhelmed by everyone's comments and support. Knowing that I had people in the States cheering me on while I was struggling in Japan made me realize that I could go further. I could try harder. Maybe, I could actually make friends and build relationships with the people here, too.

How things have drastically changed these past four years. Those lonely moments are gone. I would have never guessed that my "Mission Impossible: Operation Keki" would eventually turn into "Mission Possible: Operation Kankei." I now have so many wonderful people here in Japan who love and support me. The cake itself was a symbol of that.

In the past four years, I have been overwhelmingly blessed by so many people. I'll never forget the sleepless nights, the hidden fears, the heart-wrenching pleas with God regarding my loneliness and my desire to share His love with others by building solid relationships. How I feared that I, as a tall, blonde American who spoke super-crazy Japanese would never fit in. And I was right! I don't "fit in," but that doesn't mean I don't belong. God brought me here and He has blessed me more than I could ever express. My heart is overflowing with gratitude for His faithfulness.

As my teacher cut the cake, I felt like the knife was stabbing my own heart. In many ways, I feel like after four years I have become half-Japanese. Saying goodbye to this beloved country and its people is one of the most heart-wrenching things that I have ever had to endure. Leaving Japan is harder than leaving the USA, for I don't know when (or if) I will ever be back. Every day is a goodbye -- to a person, a place, a favorite activity... I pray for God's strength as I handle each one. I want each to be special and memorable, not only for me, but especially for those with whom I am sharing these final moments.

Mrs. Takeyama's cake was sweeter and more delicious than my rice-cooker cake, and I am glad it was! It should be!! After all, relationships and adventures, too, are much sweeter when they can be shared with others. So, as much as I really, really, really hate goodbyes and I feel like my heart is being cut in half,  I am so grateful to have them. Because each of these last moments is a special reminder of how much I have been blessed here in Japan -- far greater than I could have ever imagined that lonely night I first embarked on a mission!

 

積志小学校とお別けれ会

I am not sure why, but I have hardly mentioned Sekishi Elementary School on this blog.  After all, this school is definitely my favorite!  I actually started teaching here two and a half years ago and immediately fell in love.  Sekishi is so different from my two rural schools!  Located in the northern part of the city in the medical/academic district of town, the demographics are sooooo different.  These students and their teachers know about the world and further learning, especially in English, is encouraged.  Therefore, it is always a pleasure to visit the school -- everyone is so kind and friendly and I feel like they see me as an important asset to the students' education. 

At Sekishi, English is taught in the "Dream Room"

It is a "wired" classroom complete with lots of space for moving!

The thing I like best about Sekishi is that I can be the teacher I have always dreamt of being.  I can interact with the kids because they want to interact with me.  I have many chances to share with them about the United States and other cultures.  They love asking me questions and are so eager to participate in activities and interact with me.  Teaching here is always a pleasure!!

Because the students come to me, instead of me going to their classroom, I can greet each one as they enter

We love playing English games at Sekishi!

 When I found out that I wasn't going to be able to take Maigen back to the United States with me, my first thought was "Yay, now I maybe I can play the harp for the rest of my students!"  I asked the Sekishi teachers if I could play for the 5th and 6th graders (since they are the ones that I teach).  What, I wasn't expecting was a fully organized "Goodbye Concert and Ceremony" for all of the students. 

Over 850 teachers and students gathered in the gym

Giving my goodbye speech -- the first of at least seven!

Receiving a farewell speech from the kids -- all in English!!

Receiving surprise thank you letters from all the 5th and 6th graders

Receiving surprise flowers from the Principal

Walking through the tunnel of flowers

All the students wanted to shake my hand one last time.  I felt like a celebrity!!

Afterwards, one of the sixth grade classes had the chance to try playing the harp

Before they left for the day, many of the students wanted to say one last goodbye

My almost 400 letters from the students!

弁天島花火

This past Saturday was the annual Bentenjima Fireworks.  After working all morning in a secret job for the BOE (quoting my former bomb-making father "If I tell you what I did, I would have to shoot you") Sarah and I raced home to prepare for Kathy and Lauren's first Japanese hanabi experience.  And what an experience it was.  The weather was perfect.  We wore yukatas, sat on my beloved Bentenjima beach eating delicious festival foods and watched great fireworks.  I can't think of many things that I like better than hanabi in Japan!!

The gaikokujin dressing the nihonjin.  Yep, the foreigner knew more about how to put on a yukata than the Japanese person!

The East meets the West

the crowded streets and food stalls

Cool shot of a takoyaki stand

Candy Apples -- or if I would eat them: "poison" apples

The Bentenjima Torii

Some of my students -- I ran into so many of them!

My beloved Bentenjima

Eating okonomiaki

My favorite photo of the night

After a desperate search, I finally got my chocolate-covered banana!

Happy 29th: Sweets, Sweat, and Silliness ;-)

I don't know if its because I'm getting older, because I was scheduled to take another Japanese proficiency test, or because I am just too drained with preparing to leaving Japan, but I was hoping my birthday would quietly slip by.  I was so grateful that it was quiet, but thankfully it didn't slip by completely unnoticed ;-)  I have been blessed with some great friends who don't always follow what I say!  Here are some picture highlights:

Morning donuts (a birthday tradition for as long as I can remember) and the "vanilla tea light of justice" (long story)

Every year, Sarah writes me a Bible verse in my birthday card.  The catch?  She intentionally takes it out of context to make a humorous statement!  This years verse was Proverbs 27:14 "If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor in the morning, it will be taken as a curse."  Guess somebody doesn't like me practicing early in the morning!

Can you tell which is the Japanese test form and which is my pension form?  Neither could I.  Thankfully I realized I had grabbed the wrong one before I left for the test.  After a FRANTIC search for the right one (it had slipped under my bed) I made it to the 10-minute-away train station in three minutes!  Chasing after buses and elementary kids on the playground for four years has definitely made me speedier!

After the test, Haruku and Sarah planned on surprising me with dinner, but I kinda found out about it...

What I didn't know was that we we would end up at a place were you could get not one, but TWO cakes each (and they were huge!)

Even though this photo isn't particularly clear, I like it because the two of them are staring at the cakes while I am absent mindedly ignoring them

We have self-control...

...no we don't!

Left to Right: Japanese pudding, seasonal fruit tart, mixed berry mousse, chocolate gateau, strawberry shortcake

Voted best cake of the night

Close second

After dinner it was off for the "mandatory" birthday purikura

Of course no birthday is complete without a present or two.  This years theme: all things pink, flowery, and Japanesey!  Sounds like me, doesn't it?