Nine months... It is nine
months since I left Japan. Nine months ago, I was so full of
emotions. I wanted to know that what I was doing was right, but I
was afraid to let go. If I had a picture to capture my feelings it
would be one of me clinging to a branch while dangling over a deep
chasm. The chasm would be so deep, I would not be able to see the
bottom. What is below? Will I crash on the rocks? Will I be swept
away by the sea? I want to
let go, but I am scared. I don't want to let go because I am
scared. My hands would be sweating, finger by finger my grasp would
be slipping. Finally, my grip would falter........down, down, down.
It would get dark. It would get lonely. I would cry to God, "Oh
Father, what have I done? What have YOU
done? Where are you? I was doing this for you. You were
supposed to save me but you deserted me." As I continue to
fall, all the sounds from before would become faint. It would become
silent. Then and only then, in the silence would I hear Him....
Leaving Japan was the most traumatic
decision I have ever had to make. For any of you who have followed
this blog from the beginning, you know that I have always felt called
to Japan. Almost from as early as I can remember, that is where I
have felt led. When the doors opened up in 2008, I was more than
willing to go. I was ready to go change the world! Ahh...but how
naive I was. I hadn't considered the culture shock. I hadn't
considered the language barrier. I hadn't considered the
incomprehensible bus system or the eyeball fish! But, what were
these? Just part of the adventure! Life was hard -- oh very hard.
But, I loved it. I was having the proverbial "time of my life."
I got to meet so many amazing people. I got to experience so many
wonderful things and visit incredible places. I felt very
blessed....
But, I also started noticing something.
Somewhere between the language studies, job obligations, and
once-in-a-lifetime excursions, I was losing my focus. I was on a
four-year vacation and eager to seize every moment and every
opportunity. When you move to a new country you become a child. You
have to learn the language, the life, the culture... I was so used
to being in this child-like mode and accepting that which was around
me that I wasn't questioning things like I should. This was taking
a toll on me physically, emotionally, and mentally but most
importantly it was effecting me spiritually. If I was to be
ministering for Christ in Japan, my perspective was going to have to
drastically change. After much prayer, I felt God telling me to
leave. It was time for me to return to the states and reevaluate my
life.
Initially the decision wasn't too bad
-- I thought I would return to graduate school. I would focus on my
Japanese language and teaching skills and eventually return. But
after a series of events, including many closed doors, it was obvious
that this wasn't God's plan. When August 6, 2012, my date of
departure arrived, I had no direction. My plan
was gone. Now, I was going to have to fully rely on God's.
All I knew was that I had a one-way plane ticket to Chicago and a
kind sister who would let me stay with her for as long as I needed.
I had the privilege to spend my last
night in Hamamatsu with my LOLs. During the course of the evening,
one of them brought out her wedding album. Around forty years
before, she had had an arranged marriage and less than one month
later moved to Canada for her husband's job. As she recounted the
challenges and experiences that she had faced living in a foreign
country, she could only praise God for his blessings. She could see
how he had used the difficulties of the past to prepare her for
greater things in the future. God had worked mightily in her life
and as a result of that, I had been privileged to be a recipient of
the overflowing blessings. How I was humbled. Would I one day be
able to look back on my own life and see how my four years in Japan
had really changed me? Would I be able to see the struggles as
blessings? Would I, too, be able to use the lessons that I had
learned as a way to minister to others? Could I see my experiences
in Japan not as the end of God's plan but as the beginning?
In the following months, I really
struggled. I felt like I had failed God. After all, what had I done
in Japan other than stumble through the language, get lost on buses,
and take amazing trips? And on top of that, how was I to serve Him
in the US where life is way too easy? Aren't we supposed to
sacrifice things to follow Him? Isn't giving up one's family, one's
language, and one's comfort zone a huge enough sacrifice? To come
back to it all seemed wimpy....
When all of the distractions of Japan -- survival, work, language, friends, travel -- were gone, my life became deafening silent. But when I started to look up instead of over the Pacific, I realized that I had landed in His stream of mercy. God began to reveal himself to me in ways I had never known because I had been too distracted to see Him. And, He helped me realize that he was not calling me to be an American just like he wasn't calling me to be Japanese. Instead he was calling me to be holy. My identity was not to be in my culture but to be in my Christ.
I initially embarked on this adventure
because I wanted to change Japan. I had difficulty leaving because I
was afraid the country wouldn't change if wasn't there to help it.
Oh, how prideful I was! I can't do anything. I am nobody. I can't
change hearts -- only God can do that. My pride became my stumbling
block. God doesn't need us to accomplish his perfect plan --
He can accomplish it anyway He wants. If we don't follow his
calling, we can definitely step out of His plan but no matter how
horribly we mess up, his perfect plan can't be thwarted. This is
grace. God also uses us -- finite, imperfect us -- to teach us.
This is love. Oh what perfect love that He would want to instruct us
and reveal Himself to us! If the purpose of my going to Japan was
only to return so that I could fall in love with my Heavenly Father,
then how infinitely blessed I am! I have been humbled to realize
that the experiences I had in Japan were not for me to change the
world but for Him to change me....
While this is where my four years of
blogging ends, it is not where my story ends. God has also taught me
that He didn't make a mistake when he gave me a heart for the
Japanese. Everyday, I am reminded of this fact as I go to my new job
at the Consulate General of Japan at Chicago. I have much for which
to be grateful and much more to learn.
My dear child, I have a purpose for
your life. I want to be your first love. If you walk with me, I
will guide you. For its only when you walk with me can you be made
perfect. I will love you even when you don't love me. I will be
faithful even when you aren't. Sometimes I will lead you through
difficult times but this is only to make you stronger and to cling to
me harder. Sometimes you will stray from me but I will always
forgive you. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made
perfect in your weakness. You don't need to question me or my
faithfulness, because I will forever be faithful. But when you do, I
will reveal myself. I will never leave you, I love you too much.
Trust me, dear child. I have a plan for your life just as I have a
plan for Japan. It is not the plan that you think, but it is far
greater than you could ever hope or imagine.
May God forever and
ever be glorified!
